So, this is another one I totally thought I did already, so here goes...
Mary Anne spots a cute hair cut in a magazine, and decides to get all her hair cut off, despite the "It's not you!" response from her oh-so-supportive friends. Mr. Richard Spier decides to make a father-daughter event of the makeover and winds up buying her makeup and a bunch of clothes from Steven E! (That's the ritzy store in the mall--and don't worry, she has to pay for half of the clothes with her baby-sitting money.) And, as the oh so witty cover says, "Everyone loves the new Mary Anne -- except the BSC." Yup, for some reason, the girls are all bitchy to MA after she changes how she looks. Oh, wait! That's right, no one's allowed to change in the BSC! That's why they're being little slags to her! So, Mary Anne starts hanging out more with Logan, and starts hanging out with some other girls who are never mentioned before or after. Oh, and there's this whole rumor going around about how some high school boy is all about MA and wants to ask her to some high school dance. Mary Anne even stops going to BSC meetings. Finally, everything is smoothed over in a completely-glossed-over way. Far too easy. Of course.
Subplot: Carolyn Arnold builds a time machine. And kinda thinks it'll really work, for just a minute.
Okay, let's discuss the cover for a minute:
So, first of all...those leggings? HIDEOUS!!!! Even Hodges Solileau (remember him?) knows that leggings make your legs look big! No one looks good in them!!!! Also, Claud's outfit isn't terribly outrageous. Though they rarely were on any of the covers, if you really think about it...Also, Stacey/Dawn (can you tell which?) needs to give up the mom jeans. Also make her look like she's got a little bit of a gut. And Logan's jeans have the longest crotch I've ever seen. And MA just looks kinda...like W.C. Fields.
- Carolyn is obsessed with both Back to the Future and the flux capacitor. But not Brokeback to the Future, which is my fave fake trailer of all time.
- Ah, more references to real things... the end of Beauty and the Beast made MA cry. Big surprise there.
- Logan is "super cute. His hair is dark blond and curly [wait, what? I don't recall any other descriptions of his curly hair!], his eyes are deep blue [she could be describing my little brother, who is single, in his mid-20s and holding down a good job, ladies in the greater Boston area!], and he has an athletic build without looking like a jock. He's outgoing and friendly, but also thoughtful and sensitive (which he would never admit)." [At least, he's thoughtful and sensitive when he's not being controlling.]
- I love how whenever people are so different from each other, it's always like, one likes health food the other likes junk food, or one dresses simply and one dresses trendily. Or one's good at math and one's two IQ points out of special ed.
- Lots of outfits in this book!!!! "For instance, that day I was wearing teal-colored stirrup pants [HOT!!!!] and a bulky ski sweater with a colorful snowflake print, over a pink turtleneck." This is pre-makeover, so it's really shocking when, post-makeover, she wears an oversized sweater and leggings. Um, wait...
- About Claud: "She can put together the oddest collection of clothes--a slouch hat [what?], a sequined vest, an oversized button-down shirt, stirrup pants, and lace-up boots--and she looks stunning. Stunningly like Blossom, that is. Plus, it's hardly outrageous when it's pretty damn close, minus the hat and the vest, to what Mary Anne's wearing on the fucking cover.
- And now a reference to Home Alone.
- Okay, now seriously? Why the fuck don't any of the girls even consider the haircut when MA shows them? They're just like, "REJECTED," without even looking at it. Bitches. They're all laughing at her. Supportive group of friends, my ass.
- Somehow, I have a hard time picturing Richard wanting to do a makeover as a father-daughter thing. I seem him suggesting a day trip to Mystic Seaport or something, but not suggesting a trip to the mall.
- Okay, so I actually kinda like this: Carolyn would want to travel back in time and babysit for her parents...
- Is 8 really old enough to know fantasy from reality? Especially when the BSC members routinely believe in ghosts, blah blah blah...
- The dress that MA gets: "...a fiery red, off-the-shoulder crepe dress with shirred sleeves, a fitted bodice, and a skirt that flared to mid-calf." I really can't picture what this would actually look like, but it sounds...hot?
- The other purchases from Steven E.? "some stockings and a pair of shoes to go with it [the dress]; an oversized, indigo cable-knit sweater; and a pair of floral paisley print Lycra leggings with a French terry top." Yup.
- Hate Hunter's "accent" and "allergies." Fucking hate!!!!
- All the boys think Mary Anne's hot now! Hee!
- Oh, so one of MA's "new friends" is named Sabrina Bouvier...does that sound familiar? I don't know, like a little JonBenet clone maybe? Yep, that was also the name of the girl that won the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant! Hee!!!!
- Okay, isn't A Separate Peace manditory high school reading, not middle school? I read it in 10th...
- I fucking love when Mary Ann and Dawn fight! Dawn says MA got a "boy haircut and clown makeup," so MA tells her to "go choke on an alfalfa sprout." Hee!!!!
- Blah, Dawn's a jealous little bitch.
- Okay, a middle school dance with boys in tuxes? Really?
- Oooh! Dance outfits!!!! Kristy in a long dress and heels. Claudia: "a lamé outfit that was all sharp angles and flashy colors." Way to not really give any details at all, ANM (or ghostwriter or whatever). Stacey: "a slinky silk gown that belonged to her her mother." Um, if you're only 13, you shouldn't be wearing anything that could be described as slinky. Just sayin'. Dawn: a dress "made of black velvet, with a sheer bodice trimmed with beading and lace, and a flared, above-knee skirt." Sounds a little fussy for California Casual, no?
- Oh. LAME!!!!! Logan would go back in time to...the first time he saw MA. Ew.
So much stupid. So little time.
Back to March Madness (I'm writing this on Saturday). Seriously, I totally should have started a bracket group for this blog. Cause I can't think of anything more ridiculous than a Claudia's Room pool. Damn, I wish I'd thought of it in time. Go Pitt!!!